NEWSFLASH

A local pirate, who goes by the name "Capn Jack Sparrow" was seen pillaging a Tinley Park neighborhood in search of candy with an accomplice. Local area residents tell us that his accomplice, known in the community, claims the name "Santa Claus". The two were seen toting sacks of sugary treats, comparing booty, and eating "the good stuff". The pair are still at large.

NEWSFLASH

Authorities are warning local residents concerning the recent attacks of white ninjas. The martial artists have been attacking female suburban home owners. Authorities say that these attacks coincide with the recent release of "Power Rangers Mystic Force Karate Studio". The assailants are using the techniques garnered from the video to overcome unsuspecting maternal figures. One mom stated, "There I was, making a PB&J, the next thing I knew, he had me on the floor demanding Oreos. They don't allow Oreos for snack time. I was petrified!" Fortunately, no injuries or mortalities have been reported.